There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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