I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
