the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
