if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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