We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
