mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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