i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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