Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
