getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
