nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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