i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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