Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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