I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
