Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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