i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
