Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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