shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just pee around me
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
