I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
