I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
