Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
