Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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