I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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