Need sex. Gaining weight.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
My liver just had a heart attack.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize
