my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
