I got chris browned last night
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
