I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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