Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
