Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
