A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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