Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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