proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
pray to the hookup gods
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