haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
