Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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