You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
