yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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