we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize