I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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