Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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