I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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