some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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