he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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