some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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