I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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