New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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