So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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