haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
