i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
