Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
