you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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