my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
