fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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