She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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