your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
