my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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