once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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