Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Randomize
