Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
