dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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